Laurie, la flâneuse

Joan: My husband and I are both introverts. Reading your book shined some light on a possible source of some disconnection between us. Our interests are very different. He loves all things history and science fiction, and you’ll find him just as buried in his world of ideas, computer games and facts as you’ll find me buried in my world of self-exploration, relationships and the nature of human beings. So, while we are quite comfortable sitting side by side in our own worlds, and it’s easy to live with each other because the noise level is fairly low, it’s also difficult for us to find common ground when it comes to making an intimate connection because our idea and interest worlds don’t overlap all that much. I think we would both say we feel isolated/alone at times within our relationship.

We can be out with good friends and yakking away, only to get into the car and fall into silence. It doesn’t feel tense, but it’s such a contrast that I notice it.

We intersect in our interests in comedy, travel, nature, some movies, and our love of books. As a matter of fact, we were introduced to each other by a co-worker when I managed a bookstore. We met in the store she was running. So, though we’ll happily enter a bookstore together, we’re soon in our own sections.

Is there a way for 2 introverts who dwell and thrive in a different set of ideas and passions to fully connect? What is the bridge that needs to be built?

Laurie: Ah yes, introverts aren’t always so easy for introverts to live with. Somehow it’s easier when you are the one withdrawing. But you and your hubby have a lot going for you. Here are some ideas for bridge building:

1. Schedule a standing “date.” As you know, introverts hate to be interrupted. But when we know we’ll be meeting up with someone we enjoy (often an introvert or two), we can orient ourselves to the occasion. And there’s nothing like an “across the table” conversation with someone else serving the meal. You love comedy, so catching a comedian would be an obvious good choice.

2. Start a book club for two. Though you may pick different books, try finding one that appeals to both of you, or be willing to cross genres and trade off. You could use your date night to discuss the book. Again the obvious: pick a funny book — an outrageous memoir (e.g., David Sedaris), or one of the many books by comedians (e.g, Steve Martin). In fact, this would be a great challenge to you readers out there: what books bridge history/sci fi/facts and relationships/self-exploration, and/or capture common interests such as travel and comedy?

3. Accept the limits of your relationship. This is a hard one for all of us in commited relationships: your partner will suck at responding to you in some ways, and you will suck at responding to him in other ways. My husband is a bottom-line kind of guy, and he’s really not the best person for me to go to when I just want someone to listen. Besides, he already knows me too well, so what I say can sound like repetition to him. Some would find this reality appalling: your partner should be the one you go to when you need to “talk”! I have others in my life for that. btw, I suck at listening to him talk about work. We both know about our areas of incompetence, and we do try to bridge them, but we’ve given up on doing away with them.

3. Talk about not talking. Joan actually figured this one out before I responded to her question:

Joan: Laurie, my husband and I happened to talk about introversion this weekend, as he was expressing to me this feeling or disappointment about not being the guy who went out to clubs when he was younger (a rare moment of revelation from him, to be sure!). So, I read a bit of your book to him, and about what I wrote to you. I think he’s a shadow dweller, although accessible at times and not too cynical. He doesn’t stress as much as I do about fitting in. Our conversation translated into a nice bit of connection for a while before we went back into our interior corners!

Laurie: That’s great, Joan! Isn’t it cool how just asking the question opens us to answers?